It’s been a while so I thought I’d write an entry:)
This has been such an awesome week! I lost 5 lbs! yay! Doesn’t seem like a lot, but in a week and 2 days that’s not bad at all! I want to lose 10 by my birthday on February 19th. That would be the most amazing birthday present to myself :)
Sooooooooooooo I thought I would put it out there why exactly I want to lose weight. Some of the reasons are pretty shallow, but I think it’s important to write the reasons down. Here it goes…
-To be healthy
-Because exercise makes me happier
-To stop feeling like shit after a night of binge eating with friends
-To not be one of the biggest girls in my friend group
-To smile when I look in the mirror
-To advocate losing weight the healthy way to other people wanting to lose weight
-To be able to sit down and not have to pull my jeans up
-Because I want to stop complaining about myself
-To finally get attention from guys
-Because I want to want to be in pictures
-Because I want to wear a bikini this summer and not feel uncomfortable
-To be able to share clothes with friends
-To not have to wear a tanktop under every shirt I wear
-To feel beautiful
Annddddd the list goes on but that’s basically the gist of it! My main goal is to not give up… I’ve been working hard and I don’t want to lose track of where I’m at!
So yeah, tomorrow’s entry won’t be about weight loss, I promise :)
Another amazing exercise/healthy day! Woohoo! Also, I was invited to be a student young life leader!
For those of you who don’t know what Younglife is, it is an amazing organization for Christians who find themselves not really connecting to God through church. I had gone to church when I was younger, not super consistently, but I just went because I had to… I never actually really liked it. Everyone just seemed so formal and cold. When I was introduced to Younglife, I met people that truly loved themselves and God and I saw a light in them that I wanted in myself. I joined a small group and met with a group of girls every week and a mentor and we talked about everything.
Younglife has completely turned my life around. God saved my life, but Younglife guided me to Him. I am so excited because now I can lead a group of middle school girls and show them what it’s like to be in a relationship with God! Also, I get to grow closer with a group of people that are in deep relationships with God and I hope it will help me get deeper too.
All in all, amazing day!
wahooooo! 2 amazing days of eating healthy and exercising completed! Yesterday I had a smoothie I made with strawberries, bananas, activa yogurt, and flax seeds, so I had that for breakfast. For lunch I had carrots and cherry tomatoes with a few almond brown rice crisps (they’re the bomb) dipped in hummus. For snack I had grapes, and for dinner I had chicken and vegetable soup. My workout consisted of 500 calorie burn on the elliptical, then weights and leg weights, then abs and of course, stretching. I also cheered yesterday which isn’t a huge workout, but it still burns calories.
So all in all, I am pretty proud of myself for the past 2 days. Of course it was hard when I went to a friend’s house and everyone was sitting there eating cookies…. but I know that if I keep this up it will all be worth it! I’m planning on treating myself to a cookie once in a while once I start seeing progress in my weight loss. And on my birthday (February 19th) i WILL be eating a big piece of cake :)
Aside from that, friendship wise I’ve been feeling pretty shitty. I went to a boys varsity basketball game which are jammed pack with students and I looked around, everyone was there, but there was nobody that I wanted to go sit with. I went and sat in the stands completely alone and then after like 3 minutes I just left because I was so upset. I just feel like I have a lot of “friends” but not a lot of true friends that I feel 100% comfortable around :/ Anyone else feel that way?
I am SO bad at this… hopefully I’ll get better about daily entries once finals week is over. But I have sort of good news sort of bad news! The bad news is that I have gained soooo much weight in the past couple years. The good news is is that I am officially forcing myself to lose weight so that I am about 135-140 lbs by summer (aka 5 months). The only thing is that I don’t have a scale at home, so I won’t be able to get a numerical count :( I haven’t known what my wait was since freshman year when I was 145 lbs I think… Whenever I go to the doctor I never let them tell me how much I weigh because I know it will just upset me. So now I am taking charge and losing weight.
I will do this with a friend. That way we are accountable for one another and we both have the same goal. We are going to take it by weeks. So eat healthy and exercise daily (cardio for at least 30 minutes, then abs and weights for 30 minutes). Then we will check our progress and do it again for the 2nd week. Then we will see what things we need to change in our diets to increase speed of weight loss.
The whole thing is about not letting it take over my life because I have gone on crazy weight loss excursions and they all just failed completely because I went hard for about a week, eating not a lot and going on 4 mile runs everyday, then would die after. So the goal is to eat every meal, just healthier, and since its so rainy and cold all the time in washington, go on the elliptical or treadmill for at least 30 minutes. Also going on walks during the weekends on top of working out. I am also planning on cutting out all the facebook, netflix, and tumblr time I spend in order to work out, so if I’m not on tumblr as much as usual, you know why.
Okay I am really hoping this strategy works! If anyone has any tips from weightloss they’ve accomplished, please let me know!
I am SOOOO bad at journalling everyday :( I may have to change it to every other day or something. But my schedule is so jam packed it’s killing me. I have so many stupid finals and tests… I honestly have a strong urge to kill every single one of my teachers. Not really, but still.
On a side note, I HAVE to stop exaggerating. Without exaggeration, 80% of the things that come out of my mouth are either exaggerative (is that a word?) or sarcastic. And if you think about it, exaggerating is a form of lying so I really must stop. But the problem is is that sort of makes up my humor/identity so it is going to be literally impossible to stop. So I probably just won’t.
Well, I have to get back to studying :( school has taken over my life and I need to raise 3 grades by doing well on my finals. Kill meeeeeeee
Today was a day filled with surprises, the big one being finals are pushed back a week! My stress level has gone down DRAMATICALLY and it feels great. Except for my stress level is still probably the highest it has ever been… not so awesome.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about self-worth and what girls put their worth in. It honestly makes me so sad. Boys, popularity, image, and so much more stupid things that shouldn’t determine the value of a person. I know I put my worth in these things all the time and I just keep asking myself, “why?”
Why do I put my worth in boys? Boys my age have barely even matured and most of them just recently had a voice change… and I am 17 years old. Seriously though, we put so much time into getting boys to want us, like us, and notice us. Most likely, we won’t end up marrying them, so why the hell do we care so much about what they think of us? I put so much worth into guys noticing me just because I constantly feel invisible, but then I just feel stupid. Just because I am nothing in the eyes of one boy, doesn’t mean anything about my worth.
Why do I put my worth in popularity? I actually don’t care about who I hang out with, but I know so many girls do. They choose girls over their true friends just because those girls happen to be more socially accepted. News flash, the people that aren’t necessarily in the “in” crowd are the people that are more liked by more people AKA more popular. People have this misconception that being popular means hanging out with the mean, manipulative girls, who in the end will never be there for you. My problem is caring about whether or not I am invited to the next party, but WHO GIVES A FLYING FLIPPER. It’s not like I am going to remember that one party when I am 45 years old, so why stress out and put my worth in something so meaningless?
Why do I put my worth in image? This is my main problem. If I am not invited to something or someone doesn’t talk to me when I want them too, it’s automatically because I am ugly. That is always the first thing I think. Um hello Phoebe, you were not invited because you are not friends with that person and they didn’t talk to you because you are extraordinarily awkward to talk to. That is the truth… usually. I just need to not care so damn much about what people think about me. It’s not like I am going to change… I will forever look like this and some people will always think I’m pretty and some will always think I’m ugly. Always. Even if I was a Kim Kardashian, Miranda Kerr, Blake Lively blend (not that they would be remotely cute blended into one person), at least one person will always think I’m ugly and at least one person will always think I’m cute. That’s just the way it is.
So that’s my rant directed mostly at myself, but also to all the girls out there who put there self-worth in the wrong things. I am going to try really hard to stop doing this… It’s hard because it is a feeling, but my first goal is to just stop complaining and talking about my image or how boys don’t like me. It’s annoying for other people to have to listen to and honestly it is pretty pointless. Everyone is beautiful and unique and made the exact way they were supposed to and even though I forget this all the time, I know for a fact it is true.
Sooooo I completely forgot to do an entry yesterday…. There have been snow days from school the past 2 days so I haven’t really had a chance to sit quietly alone.
Today was a huge struggle working on a group project for 8 hours. Me and this other girl have been the only people working on it, while nobody else shows up for the meetings or do any of their part. So annoying! On the plus side, the due date got pushed back due to power outages and snow. Yay!
On a deeper note, I sort of feel like I’m floating through life. I never really take the time to just stop and be thankful because I am always busy doing thing that in the long run will get me nowhere in life. So I’m going to take this time to be thankful :)
I am thankful for having such a chill family. They’re loving too and all that, but they are just so lenient with me when it comes to everything. My mom is not uptight with me about school or expectations, probably because I expect so much of myself already. It’s really nice not having that additional pressure though to be perfect, like a lot of other kids have.
I am thankful for music. I don’t know how I would get through my life without listening to Bon Iver or any other amazing musician. The times when I am truly happy are the times when I am listening to music or doing something involving music.
I am thankful for laughter. I think it is the best medicine in the whole world. Laughter and joy can cure anything.
I am thankful for an AWESOME God. A God who loves me no matter what and sees everything with an open mind. A God that can cure a broken heart and heal the sick. A God that gave his only son to the world to die, just so I can go to heaven. A selfless God, and the only way I need to repay Him is to live my life with Him. That’s like paying for a mansion with a crumb of bread. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
And of course, I am thankful for all my lovely followers! You guys put a smile on my face:) Love you all!
I’m really bad at keeping my emotions in track; I feel like my life is a roller coaster of emotions. I’ve tried the usual: early bedtimes, exercising more, prioritizing, but nothing works so my goal is to write a journal entry every day. And I know I won’t do it if nobody keeps me in line so the hope is that I feel like people are reading my entries to motivate me to write them everyday.
Something you probably didn’t know about me: I have really bad anxiety. I stress out and freak out over everything. This hasn’t been diagnosed by a doctor, but I know I have it. I feel like my anxiety envelops me and I can’t escape it. It’s weird, but I freak out over everything and for once in my life I just want to feel peace.
Something you probably didn’t know about me: I hate myself. I look in the mirror and I want to throw up. I don’t have any guy friends because my school revolves around looks. I hate it when people tell me it doesn’t… they’re usually the pretty ones. I try so hard to not let imperfections bring me down, but I can’t find one single part of me that I like. I’ve dealt with this for so long and I know my friends and family think I’m just putting on a show. But I’m not. I don’t feel like I can relate to anyone.
Something you probably didn’t know about me: I have depression. Diagnosed by my doctor, but my mom refuses to accept it. She hates it when I try to talk to her about it. In the place I live, nobody can be depressed; everyone is perfect, remember? I’m not trying to label myself, but sometimes it’s easier just to blame something: “Oh it’s just the depression speaking…” I’ve done so much harm to myself I wish I could take back, and I’m terrified of the future.
Something you probably didn’t know about me: I love God, but I hate religion. Religion is binding, prejudicial, a label, and causes wars. Jesus is pure, true, life changing, loving, awesome, and my savior. I don’t believe just going to church makes you christian. Christianity comes from a relationship with Jesus. I sin like every other person, yet Jesus loves me. And for all the people that don’t know Jesus, don’t believe in Jesus, or even hate Jesus, he loves you all equally as much as he loves the people that love Him. Jesus Christ has saved my life so many times and given me so much hope. Some people think that it’s just faith that’s helping me, but can faith really save a person’s life? I don’t think so. That’s Jesus Christ.
I’d love for someone to remind me to post one of these everyday, if they see that I haven’t that day.